Dreaming the Uncertain

on love and loss

2008-10-19T00:14:33Z

I am mad that I can't update via mobile phone on blogspot. Maybe its my crackberry, but regardless, its down right irritating.

A lot has happened in the past 24 hours and things continue to change. I predict that it will continue to be a rollercoaster over the next couple weeks but as someone recently told me 'this too shall pass.' This refers to many things at the moment which I may have to write about later. I'm actually waiting for one of the thises as I write.

As the title says, I've been in the position of thinking about love and loss over the past 24.

More to come...

new beginnings

2008-09-19T16:04:52Z

i did it. i moved my site from live journal and will now begin using
http://runningrockstar.blogspot.com

ozonebrat @ 2008-09-18T01:22:00

2008-09-18T01:25:56Z

I'm thinking that I need a change. Perhaps ill find my way onto blog spot or something like that. I realized that I've had this live journal thing for ages and its contents go back to crazier times in my life. While I would ideally like to relocate my writing, I will first have to figure out where that will be.

Life has been challenging as of late. Starting to establish myself professionally and learning how to grow personally. Its a never ending process...

ozonebrat @ 2008-06-17T01:37:00

2008-06-17T01:38:22Z

Larry Craig was on my flight to DC. Nuff said

simple surroundings of city life

2008-05-26T00:58:12Z

I've found myself sitting on the corner at grand and state with a bit of time on my hands. So why not post some of the stuff in my head?

I had a good (yet too short) conversation with Irene yesterday where she really challenged me on my bull shit. Although I never like deep exploration of my minds inner workings, I found it extremely helpful. Before I left she told me to watch myself this week and avoid and work through my tendency to bolt in situations when I feel uncomfortable. If now is a time to listen...I better.

Things have been better. I'm extremely agitated at my knee injury and even more aggrevated at the hotel for not preventing my accident. Simple measures folks. I should be thankful that I am not worse but I'm mostly upset about the entire process of getting medical care. They don't make it easy.

I am looking forward to going to Michigan in a week. I'm to the point that I know I really need it. Being surrounded by my friends and family...couldn't ask for more. Of course ill take the time to sort myself out and decide what I need and want.

I told Irene that I'm not sure I have the energy for it and that if I am to pull out and 'bolt' nows the time. Its frustrating when something falls into your lap that you weren't prepared for. I'm hoping that my smalls will talk some sense into me but I also know the decision is ultimately up to me.

I am hoping that this is the start of summer. Its 75 and sunny and I've been looking forward to warm weather for so long. Time for the snow bunny to go away for a while. Shed the winter coat...

The time is now

life is changing

2008-03-26T18:18:08Z

its almost spring. i can feel it in the air and it is wonderful. i'm kicking off the marathon season this weekend by working at the AIDS marathon booth for a couple of hours. i'm excited.

spending time with you, wishing i could stop time....

Things Haven't Gone as Planned

2008-03-03T19:11:06Z

Like the subject heading says...things haven't gone as planned. It's march 3, and the roommate is still in my apartment. argh. i finally went down to talk to my landlord yesterday. I told him that she was still in the apartment and hadn't moved yet. sometimes i think he's too nice. i would have been like, leave (because she is now technically trespassing)but instead he told her she has to be out by wednesday. let's see if that will happen. she has been nothing but a royal pain in my ass over the last week. i'm just so tired of waking up in the middle of the night to hear her screaming and yelling in her drunk rages/states. i'm starting to question if i can even say 'there's a light at the end of the tunnel.'

in another light, i met this fantastic person a few weeks ago. we've been sort of semi- seeing each other, which has been nice, but i'm so hesitant (or scared) to get invovled with someone again. i'm trying to take it day by day, and take it for what it is.

i am excited because i just got a job working for the AIDS Marathon training program. I really will have no life for the next 6 months, but it's something i really love and enjoy! It will be good for me to have something to do every weekend.

Did i mention that i'm sooooo tired of winter? my boss keeps telling me i need to take a vacation. i wish i had the money to go somewhere warm and sit on a beach for hours on end. maybe i'll just take a mental vacation to somewhere warm and sunny...oh wait, i do that all the time. :)

for my yoders

2008-02-08T22:06:39Z

ok, so yeah, i need to update more often and for honesty's sake, i'm surprised my work hasn't blocked this site for "mature" content. did i tell you that i got blocked out of myspace? ok, so yeah, while at work i'm supposed to be productive and such, but man, i need SOME distraction or at least a break from the madness.

i'm in debate on whether to run the chicago marathon again this year. its a 6 month committment which i've already done, but for some reason i'm hesitant to commit again. committment must not be my thing ;)

i'm getting ready to move yet again, but this time i won't need trucks or boxes since i'm just moving downstairs to another apartment. so i'll need to call upon the calvary to help me get my stuff all moved. ah, that's what friends are for---making them work like mules. but i'll be feeding pizza and beer instead of oats. i'm sure that my fellow work horses won't mind.

i need to listen to chad and get back on the music scene, but thigns have been so crazy lately i haven't had the time. i'm still supporting my leech of a roommate (and not by choice). i'm just counting down until i can be rid of her. how can you move to chicago and not work? i mean seriously, it's been 5 months now. wait, i have the answer. she's an alcoholic. i should get myself to alanon meetings, but ugh, i dont have the time (literally) for that. this whole situation has allowed me to understand what it is like living with a substance abuser. i'm lucky though because i have no investment in her. i can only imagine what it would be like for someone who has a loved one or a family member who is an addict because they can't just run away like i can.

wow. that was a rant.

but yeah, so that is my life in a nutshell. i should really get better at updating. i think i'll set a little personal goal for myself and try to at least update once per week. blame it on myspace.

for my people

2007-12-17T17:52:45Z

so yeah, i got a post from g and realized that i hadn't updated in such a long time. i've fallen off the face of the earth, yet again, but i'm gonna try to get myself more in the loop with my people. so here it goes:

work is going well. i finally feel like i am doing something and getting into a routine, which is a nice thing. i'm used to spontenaity, but sometimes i do need some structure in my work life. i just wish i could get paid a wee bit more. :)

chicago, for the most part, is great. i've been here for almost a year and have really grown and gotten to know myself a bit better. i've reunited with some old friends who have settled in the city and managed to pick up some new ones along the way as well.

i have been struggling lately, which has put a big ol' obstacle in my way in saying that life has been 99.9% good. i got myself a new roommate in october who seemed cool when i met her, but it has turned into a fucking nightmare. she's a hard core alcoholic who has managed to become a financial burden to me. she doesn't take care of her pet, and because i am the person i am, i have been picking up the duties of that. she doesn't contribute to paying for household stuff (utilities, toilet paper, paper towels, cleaning supplies, etc). addtionally, because she has no job, she has been eating my food and other things of the sort. despite all the conversations with her where i have put down boundaries and said that this is not okay, things have not changed. it's taken it's toll on me both financially and emotionally/physically/mentally. basically, its like i have been taking care of another person. and i hate it. hate is a strong word and i dont like using it. i also don't like the person that i am becoming because of this situation. there is a light at the end of the tunnel though; my landlord, after talking to him, will not be renewing her lease in mid february. so it's all about maintaining until then.

as a result, i've gotten myself some outside help, just to get me through, but its still not easy. i've been pretty sick lately, (and hiding it well) because all of the stress. let me just say, it's not a fun situation to go home and not find the safety and refuge that home is "supposed" to give. i dread going to my apartment because i dont know what i will find.

other than that, i'm looking forward to going back to michigan although i will be a bit stressed out because my kitties will be in chicago. :( so i'm hoping i can find a friend to drop in on them since i can't trust/depend on the roommate to take care of them, especially since she cannot take care of herself.

so, for my people, i hope to see some of you on my return to the mitten state.

ozonebrat @ 2007-10-27T19:00:00

2007-10-27T23:05:08Z

my foot still hurts, but at least it isn't broken. it waxes and wanes in terms of pain level and today it is a bit higher than i like. last night i had a really good time with kcg. we went out to the pub, went to bw's house party, and then the edgewater lounge. we got pretty lit and she thought it would be a good idea to do a shot before going to bed. that sent me over the edge and i have been recovering all day. i hate getting old. back in the collge days, i could party like a rockstar, now it takes me forever to feel 100% again. when i drove her home this morning, it was definitely two eggs in the hurt box. she told me it was a movie day, and i would have to agree, but instead i am about to go to bobberts halloween party. i'm going as a chick magnet which mb asked "aren't you one already?"

my smalls comes to town two weeks in a row! yay. i just have to figure out when i can return the favour. or get her to actually come here for a longer time! we've been kicking it for only 6 months, but damn, each little piece i get to know more of leaves me wanting to know even more.

detroit, here i come

2007-10-15T21:56:49Z

so because i dwell on things too long and need closure, i decided to go to d-town this weekend and run the detroit marathon. woot! i figure that i can't just sit on 6 months of training and not complete some kind of marathon.

oh and happy day. i was just informed that my training program will pay my entry fee to the detroit marathon.

The Unlucky 10,000

2007-10-08T21:22:58Z

I spent the past 6 months giving up fridays and running ungodly amounts. i found out that one had to pass the 18 mile marker at 12 noon to continue the course. at noon, i was passing 17. i was one of the unlucky 10,000 chicago runners that had to be diverted to grant park due to the course being shut down by officials. i do have to say that the conditions were fucking brutal. when i passed the 13.1 mile marker, i had already felt like i had run 20. perhaps it's a good thing that course was shut down. but needless to say, i was disappointed. as we walked our way down jackson blvd, (chicago police lined the roads stopping anyone who was jogging/running/walking swiftly) we all had our heads hanging partly out of fatigue and sadness.

i'm keeping my head high, because of october 12, 2008.....

i'm not bitter

2007-09-03T16:48:16Z

sending bad karma to the fucker who stole my coat and digital camera from the bar. i guess it will teach me a lesson not to bring such things to bars and two, upload my photos more often. i am deeply saddened by the wonderful photos of patti lupone ripping my dear bobbert a new one, finger in face and all. i guess i will have to just keep that in memory.

the roommate moved out and i have a huge 2 bedroom to myself until at least mid september. can i just say that it is wonderful? i now have a bigger closet and hardwood floors instead of that kitchen extension i was staying in before. i think the extra closet space is my favourite part.

i guess one of the newer things i am trying to tackle is the person i've been talking to. nothing is defined yet and i can't make up my mind if this is something i want or not. i just want to relax, let things play out, but at the same time, i dont want to be trapped into something i can't put a 100% into. more on this later.

as for now, i'm off to a bbq.

ugh.

2007-08-20T18:13:33Z

bobby told me that i needed to update. he's right. i do. life has been good. really good to say the least. work is work, but i'm loving it. spending time with my friends is even better. that's why i love this place. some of my bestest friends from college live here and to have them a walking distance away, is priceless.

i've learned to separate what is possible from the impossible which has been nothing but an experience in itself.

i'm being weird right now. i think i need to post later, which i promise to do. a lot of fun times to update.

Where Have I Been?

2007-07-24T16:55:42Z

actually, i haven't strayed that far. this past weekend was filled with crazy crazy fun. friday i only worked a half day and then the fabulous mb came to town. we went to get some grub having sweet smiles all the way through. then it was gig time. of course i lost my composure momentarily on stage but other than that, i had a great time. a lot of pressure playing in front of the girl.

saturday we made some breakfast after sleeping the previous night off. then wanted to go to the lakefront. but of course we had to go look at some of the zoo animals. she has a different view of the penguins :). we ended up sitting by north ave beach, letting ourselves soak up the sun. margaritas in the loop called our name and before we knew it, we sat watching the toursists roll by while enjoying each other's company.

then there was . . .travis! we headed to the vic and loved every moment of it. she finally got the massage i promised as well. we headed back to a-ville and sat side by side making up stories about how people around us knew each other and what they were doing or talking about. even got to see jenny g, which was a surprise and fun.

sunday we took the dog to starbucks. sat on the curb, chatted and drank coffee. i'm happy with where this is going, what it has become. for the first time in a long time, i feel content.

today is beautiful. if you were a day, you would be today.

ozonebrat @ 2007-07-15T23:04:00

2007-07-16T03:08:23Z

ozonebrat @ 2007-07-03T12:42:00

2007-07-03T16:42:30Z

i'm come to peace with a lot of things in life over the past couple of weeks. it's been a nice feeling. can't complain.

1) Being busy at work
2) I'm ok with how things started/ended
3) When I see her, I'm finally ok with it and I walk away knowing I'm the bigger person in this situation.
4) Being far-away friends with a flirty twist
5) Having a great group of buddies a call away
6) So much to do, so little time

I thought this particular week would be hard on me. You know, one of those anniversary things. one year ago, i was here helping her move in which was going to be the start of a new life, but i guess i wouldn't have known that 5 months later, everything would change. i have to admit, that i spent a lot of time thinking about it this week, and yet again, something i have have come to be at peace with. it's a good feeling.

ozonebrat @ 2007-06-25T13:50:00

2007-06-25T17:54:06Z

it's monday. i don't know where my online homies are either. oh well. perhaps this will give me motivation to actually go to work. i'm in no hurry though.

this weekend was fun but rough! pride all the way around. we barbequed and ended up going out to the clubs on saturday night and then there was sunday where the real party began and ended. i managed to get a wee bit of a burn, but that will be ok. we watched all the happy floats go by and i met some new people, which was really nice. we then headed to spin and danced til we couldn't anymore. of course there was one more stop, or maybe there were two, i can't even remember. of course i had too much fun and ended up sleeping at bobbert's house. apparently there was a 2nd wave party, which i missed out on since i couldn't get myself off the couch. i believe the party officially ended somewhere around 6am. crazy.

needless to say, this is going to be a "me" week.

ozonebrat @ 2007-06-19T11:36:00

2007-06-19T15:37:52Z

sometimes, i don't know what to say. i want to just sweep her up and stare at the stars.

ozonebrat @ 2007-06-12T10:07:00

2007-06-12T15:13:22Z

i just got my tickets in the mail to see travis in july. i'm totally excited. it's also at the vic theater which is nice and convenient. don't have to worry about parking or anything like that. another bonus of the public transportation system here in chi-town.

i'm trying to figure out my next trip to the a2. and ypsi. can't forget my second home (or my first depending on the day). i really wish i could take vacation so i could take the 4th - 8th. What i would do for that long, i'm not quite sure, but then i wouldn't feel so stressed to see everyone i want to see and things i want to do.

the job has been super crazy. i ended up staying at work til late. i could have said no i won't see you that late in the evening, but then i'm like, i have nothing better to do, so i give in. but then i'm overly tired.

so what happens when you meet someone that feels right but everything around you says that it isn't?

ozonebrat @ 2007-06-11T11:45:00

2007-06-11T16:46:05Z

i guess i'm wondering what you're thinking...

tony tony tony

2007-06-11T15:21:25Z

and i'm not talking about pretty in pink's man.

we watched the tony's last night which was fabulous. it's funny to see bobbert in his true element surrounded by other peeps into musical theater as much as him. i do have to say that the highlight of the evening was fantasia's performance. holy shit. that's all i have to say. but on the other hand, i am determined to go to nyc now to see spring awakenings. it's a rock musical which is right up my alley. i do have to admit that every time the show won a tony, i couldn't help but think of duncan sheik's 'barely breathing' song.

the weekend was nice. it was chill and fun all at the same time. andersonville had its neighbourhood festival which was great people watching. j and i walked around for a good amount of time and enjoyed the culture.

now i'm just hoping the week goes by quickly. . .

ozonebrat @ 2007-06-11T10:16:00

2007-06-11T15:17:48Z

Lily Allen - Smile

When you first left me I was wanting more
But you were fucking that girl next door, what cha do that for (what cha do that for)
When you first left me I didn't know what to say
I never been on my own that way, just sat by myself all day

I was so lost back then
But with a little help from my friends
I found a light in the tunnel at the end
Now you're calling me up on the phone
So you can have a little whine and a moan
And it's only because you're feeling alone

At first when I see you cry,
yeah it makes me smile, yeah it makes my smile
At worst I feel bad for a while,
but then I just smile I go ahead and smile

Whenever you see me you say that you want me back
And I tell you it don't mean jack, no it don't mean jack
I couldn't stop laughing, no I just couldn't help myself
See you messed up my mental health I was quite unwell

I was so lost back then
But with a little help from my friends

I found a light in the tunnel at the end
Now you're calling me up on the phone
So you can have a little whine and a moan
And it's only because you're feeling alone

At first when I see you cry,
yeah it makes me smile, yeah it makes my smile
At worst I feel bad for a while,
but then I just smile I go ahead and smile

lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala lalala

At first when I see you cry,
yeah it makes me smile, yeah it makes my smile
At worst I feel bad for a while,
but then I just smile I go ahead and smile

ozonebrat @ 2007-06-06T09:00:00

2007-06-06T14:05:40Z

your secrets safe with me

i've started a co-writing project with a friend of mine in michigan. she finally posted some poetry she wrote (after lots and lots of persuading)and last night was spent writing some music. so far, so good although its been a long time since i've taken someone elses words and put them to music. a challenge but at least its something to do.

i spent a tragic 8 hours of my life sitting in a downtown building yesterday at a training that was, well....pointless. i did find relief in the fact that both my bosses were like, "lets go."

i just sent an email that i hope is not too confusing because in all reality, i'm not sure where to go from this point. there is that feeling of just letting things go as they are mixed with the conscious red flag that says "stop." the hardest part is wanting to go with the flow when i probably shouldn't.

ozonebrat @ 2007-06-04T10:19:00

2007-06-04T15:25:06Z

i am slightly disturbed by street cleaning days in chicago. i had to wake my ass up extra early (which i took advantage of anyway) to move sir william to a happier place so he wouldn't be harrassed with orange envelopes. so the rule is that you can't park on the street from 9am to 3pm. But seriously, i saw the street cleaning machine come thru at 9:30 so does that mean i still can't go and park my car?

so for those who don't know, i have been training for the Chicago Marathon. I'm doing a team in training program with the AIDS Marathon program. If you wanna help me out and support me with your kind $$ go to the AIDS MARATHON website and make a donation. All you need to know is my running number which i will conveniently provide for you. It's 1113. All the proceeds go to the AIDS Foundation of Chicago which benefit many local agencies. It's a good cause and my lazy ass is going to run 26.2 miles come October 7. Believe it or not, i've already done 8 miles and it's all uphill from here. I plan to post some pics to document my adventure.