on love and loss

I am mad that I can't update via mobile phone on blogspot. Maybe its my crackberry, but regardless, its down right irritating.

A lot has happened in the past 24 hours and things continue to change. I predict that it will continue to be a rollercoaster over the next couple weeks but as someone recently told me 'this too shall pass.' This refers to many things at the moment which I may have to write about later. I'm actually waiting for one of the thises as I write.

As the title says, I've been in the position of thinking about love and loss over the past 24.

More to come...

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I'm thinking that I need a change. Perhaps ill find my way onto blog spot or something like that. I realized that I've had this live journal thing for ages and its contents go back to crazier times in my life. While I would ideally like to relocate my writing, I will first have to figure out where that will be.

Life has been challenging as of late. Starting to establish myself professionally and learning how to grow personally. Its a never ending process...

simple surroundings of city life

I've found myself sitting on the corner at grand and state with a bit of time on my hands. So why not post some of the stuff in my head?

I had a good (yet too short) conversation with Irene yesterday where she really challenged me on my bull shit. Although I never like deep exploration of my minds inner workings, I found it extremely helpful. Before I left she told me to watch myself this week and avoid and work through my tendency to bolt in situations when I feel uncomfortable. If now is a time to listen...I better.

Things have been better. I'm extremely agitated at my knee injury and even more aggrevated at the hotel for not preventing my accident. Simple measures folks. I should be thankful that I am not worse but I'm mostly upset about the entire process of getting medical care. They don't make it easy.

I am looking forward to going to Michigan in a week. I'm to the point that I know I really need it. Being surrounded by my friends and family...couldn't ask for more. Of course ill take the time to sort myself out and decide what I need and want.

I told Irene that I'm not sure I have the energy for it and that if I am to pull out and 'bolt' nows the time. Its frustrating when something falls into your lap that you weren't prepared for. I'm hoping that my smalls will talk some sense into me but I also know the decision is ultimately up to me.

I am hoping that this is the start of summer. Its 75 and sunny and I've been looking forward to warm weather for so long. Time for the snow bunny to go away for a while. Shed the winter coat...

The time is now

life is changing

its almost spring. i can feel it in the air and it is wonderful. i'm kicking off the marathon season this weekend by working at the AIDS marathon booth for a couple of hours. i'm excited.

spending time with you, wishing i could stop time....

Things Haven't Gone as Planned

Like the subject heading says...things haven't gone as planned. It's march 3, and the roommate is still in my apartment. argh. i finally went down to talk to my landlord yesterday. I told him that she was still in the apartment and hadn't moved yet. sometimes i think he's too nice. i would have been like, leave (because she is now technically trespassing)but instead he told her she has to be out by wednesday. let's see if that will happen. she has been nothing but a royal pain in my ass over the last week. i'm just so tired of waking up in the middle of the night to hear her screaming and yelling in her drunk rages/states. i'm starting to question if i can even say 'there's a light at the end of the tunnel.'

in another light, i met this fantastic person a few weeks ago. we've been sort of semi- seeing each other, which has been nice, but i'm so hesitant (or scared) to get invovled with someone again. i'm trying to take it day by day, and take it for what it is.

i am excited because i just got a job working for the AIDS Marathon training program. I really will have no life for the next 6 months, but it's something i really love and enjoy! It will be good for me to have something to do every weekend.

Did i mention that i'm sooooo tired of winter? my boss keeps telling me i need to take a vacation. i wish i had the money to go somewhere warm and sit on a beach for hours on end. maybe i'll just take a mental vacation to somewhere warm and sunny...oh wait, i do that all the time. :)

for my yoders

ok, so yeah, i need to update more often and for honesty's sake, i'm surprised my work hasn't blocked this site for "mature" content. did i tell you that i got blocked out of myspace? ok, so yeah, while at work i'm supposed to be productive and such, but man, i need SOME distraction or at least a break from the madness.

i'm in debate on whether to run the chicago marathon again this year. its a 6 month committment which i've already done, but for some reason i'm hesitant to commit again. committment must not be my thing ;)

i'm getting ready to move yet again, but this time i won't need trucks or boxes since i'm just moving downstairs to another apartment. so i'll need to call upon the calvary to help me get my stuff all moved. ah, that's what friends are for---making them work like mules. but i'll be feeding pizza and beer instead of oats. i'm sure that my fellow work horses won't mind.

i need to listen to chad and get back on the music scene, but thigns have been so crazy lately i haven't had the time. i'm still supporting my leech of a roommate (and not by choice). i'm just counting down until i can be rid of her. how can you move to chicago and not work? i mean seriously, it's been 5 months now. wait, i have the answer. she's an alcoholic. i should get myself to alanon meetings, but ugh, i dont have the time (literally) for that. this whole situation has allowed me to understand what it is like living with a substance abuser. i'm lucky though because i have no investment in her. i can only imagine what it would be like for someone who has a loved one or a family member who is an addict because they can't just run away like i can.

wow. that was a rant.

but yeah, so that is my life in a nutshell. i should really get better at updating. i think i'll set a little personal goal for myself and try to at least update once per week. blame it on myspace.

for my people

so yeah, i got a post from g and realized that i hadn't updated in such a long time. i've fallen off the face of the earth, yet again, but i'm gonna try to get myself more in the loop with my people. so here it goes:

work is going well. i finally feel like i am doing something and getting into a routine, which is a nice thing. i'm used to spontenaity, but sometimes i do need some structure in my work life. i just wish i could get paid a wee bit more. :)

chicago, for the most part, is great. i've been here for almost a year and have really grown and gotten to know myself a bit better. i've reunited with some old friends who have settled in the city and managed to pick up some new ones along the way as well.

i have been struggling lately, which has put a big ol' obstacle in my way in saying that life has been 99.9% good. i got myself a new roommate in october who seemed cool when i met her, but it has turned into a fucking nightmare. she's a hard core alcoholic who has managed to become a financial burden to me. she doesn't take care of her pet, and because i am the person i am, i have been picking up the duties of that. she doesn't contribute to paying for household stuff (utilities, toilet paper, paper towels, cleaning supplies, etc). addtionally, because she has no job, she has been eating my food and other things of the sort. despite all the conversations with her where i have put down boundaries and said that this is not okay, things have not changed. it's taken it's toll on me both financially and emotionally/physically/mentally. basically, its like i have been taking care of another person. and i hate it. hate is a strong word and i dont like using it. i also don't like the person that i am becoming because of this situation. there is a light at the end of the tunnel though; my landlord, after talking to him, will not be renewing her lease in mid february. so it's all about maintaining until then.

as a result, i've gotten myself some outside help, just to get me through, but its still not easy. i've been pretty sick lately, (and hiding it well) because all of the stress. let me just say, it's not a fun situation to go home and not find the safety and refuge that home is "supposed" to give. i dread going to my apartment because i dont know what i will find.

other than that, i'm looking forward to going back to michigan although i will be a bit stressed out because my kitties will be in chicago. :( so i'm hoping i can find a friend to drop in on them since i can't trust/depend on the roommate to take care of them, especially since she cannot take care of herself.

so, for my people, i hope to see some of you on my return to the mitten state.
  • Current Music
    sound of the heat blowing in the vents

(no subject)

my foot still hurts, but at least it isn't broken. it waxes and wanes in terms of pain level and today it is a bit higher than i like. last night i had a really good time with kcg. we went out to the pub, went to bw's house party, and then the edgewater lounge. we got pretty lit and she thought it would be a good idea to do a shot before going to bed. that sent me over the edge and i have been recovering all day. i hate getting old. back in the collge days, i could party like a rockstar, now it takes me forever to feel 100% again. when i drove her home this morning, it was definitely two eggs in the hurt box. she told me it was a movie day, and i would have to agree, but instead i am about to go to bobberts halloween party. i'm going as a chick magnet which mb asked "aren't you one already?"

my smalls comes to town two weeks in a row! yay. i just have to figure out when i can return the favour. or get her to actually come here for a longer time! we've been kicking it for only 6 months, but damn, each little piece i get to know more of leaves me wanting to know even more.